Where do you get your news?
April 25, 2020
Hi everyone, let me start this off by saying I miss you so much. Life is not the same without the face to face communities I’ve built in my life. Social Media is great for some things but it will never replace the kindness and smiles and touch of real humans.
Once the Covid 19 crisis is over and we go back to our new normal, I’m making all of you a few simple promises:
1. I will never be distracted by my phone while in your company. You will get my complete and undivided attention. I will listen hard and love hard and appreciate my relationships more. I will be present for you.
2. I won’t take the casual conversations in my life, in stores or restaurants, for granted. I didn’t know I would miss them until they were gone.
Okay so now that I have committed to that, I want to talk about grief.
“Feelings, and feelings, and feelings. Let me try thinking instead.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
The current state of our collective stay at home isolation has given me time to feel a few things I’ve simply pushed away. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been having some see-saw feelings lately. One minute I’m laughing so hard I’m crying because someone posted on Facebook: I’ve watch all of YouTube.
The next minute I’m crying for no real reason.
But here’s the truth. Grief is the feeling that really caught me off guard. Grief is a bitch. You live life, you will lose something or someone. Period. No one misses out on the struggle that’s called grief.
I adore my grown-up kids, but sometimes I miss, grieve really, the little kids they were. I see them in photos all over the house, and I can almost feel them nearby. It’s weird. I think you have to be the parent of grown kids to know this particular feeling.
I also miss my Mom right now. I know exactly what she’d say if she were still alive and I called her during this time. “This too will pass and you’re stronger than you think.
Grief also feels a lot like fear to me. It is an achy feeling. A feeling that you can only feel alone. It’s deeply personal.
I was thinking that one thing I might be grieving right now is my innocence. I mean I had no freaking idea something like this was possible in the world. Was I asleep or doing yoga or konmari-ing my home when all of you were watching sci-fi movies? I certainly didn’t hear Bill Gates’ Ted Talk. Even though I love Bill and Ted Talks.
I wonder too about this. Are we all simply facing the fear of dying at once? I see folks in their masks, (I wear one as well) and they seem to be hiding from that dreadful fear of dying. It leaves me so emotional. Seriously, I sob in my car after my treasured grocery trips.
Don’t judge.
Again, I know we’ll all put this time in our memory at some point but while it’s happening it is taking a toll. By the way, just saying this truth about grief out loud soothes me.
So thanks for listening.
I’ll end by saying this. Ever the half full glass kind of human I am, I’m so grateful for so many things right now.
Family. I’m seeing my grown kids. Logan and Lucas and Tyler, your visits mean more to me than you will ever know.
My friends. They’ve j continued to be there in really remarkable ways. We’re reaching out more in an effort to stay close. And that feels amazing. I never have taken them for granted and now, well. I am just beyond words grateful for them all.
Home. I’m so grateful for my simple, minimalist home. I’ve cleaned and worked in my yard and planted a beautiful garden. I’ve been thankful for this home of mine every single day. It feels safe. I know others are not as fortunate to have safe homes, and I hurt for those people. That collective hurt is also part of the grief. I don’t take my safe home for granted during this time.
Other amazing gifts. I’m grateful for books and internet connections and social media and sunshine. And fresh air. And yoga pants. And good food. I’m thankful for people I don’t even know who are caring for each other. I’m thankful for that farmer who sent one of his five face masks to Gov. Como. I’m thankful for Gov. Como and his unwavering grace under pressure. I’m thankful for all of it. Let’s always remember the amazing gifts of humanity during this time.
Let’s allow ourselves permission to feel the grief for our loses and the loses of others.
Let’s also find little things to be grateful for each day. And for goodness sake let’s come out of this more determined to live our lives with meaning, joy and purpose.
And know. I love you all madly.
Robbin
P.S Oh and where DO you get your news? I’ve been listening to BBC World News. It makes me feel like more a global citizen. Something I want to feel more than ever at this moment in history.
