On being alone.
Posted on September 16, 2021
A little over two years ago I found myself on my own. After a marriage of 19 years and back-to-back long-term relationships (with just under six months between), I was basically in committed relationships for all of my adult life. I have no regrets about that. Life is meant to be shared. And all of my past relationships have been for the most part healthy and positive. So, when I made a solid decision to stay single for a bit, I have to stay it was a bit of a tug of war. Okay, okay. It was a full-on guns a-blazing civil war in my heart and head.
Will I? Can I? Will I die in my sleep?
That’s a bit dramatic but you get my drift. In truth, it was the pandemic that helped me stay the course and learn to be alone. Dumb luck I suppose.
I have to say this time on my own has been such a gift. It’s made me a better person. I can say that with certainty.
Because I’ve learned to really love me.
Sounds VERY weird (and feels a bit odd) to say that out loud, so let me explain.
I’ve always THOUGHT I had healthy dose of self-esteem and confidence and I believe I really do. It’s served me well in life. I trust my judgements and my decisions. But self-love, I’ve come to understand, is different in some very important ways.
You hear it a lot; “Fall in love with yourself. The only way to truly love others is to love yourself first.” I used to be a complete eye roller over those kinds of self-help phrases. But here’s the truth, falling in love with you is a longer process than falling head over heels for someone else. It takes a lot of hard work. It’s a bit more complex. And in my case, it took being completely ALONE. But it is time well spent.
Alone is a word a lot of us fear. Because frankly when we find ourselves alone, we tend to wonder if we’re unlovable. And that’s downright frightening. By the way, is anyone actually unlovable? Is that even possible?
So, what is self-love in my opinion?
Self-love is getting still enough to really listen to the words you use in your head. Don’t judge them, just listen. For as long as it takes. Listen to them until you start to question them. I won’t share the crazy, silly details of my own self talk, but I can assure you of this; they were words I wouldn’t say to anyone else on the planet. They were harsh and unkind. I had to listen to them so long that they started to feel absurd and laughable. For me, that’s when those words began to change. They changed when I could laugh at them. Only then could I replace them with kinder words. Those kinder words are my habit now. And I don’t miss those unkind words at all.
And here’s where it starts to get really cool. Because I am kinder to me, I see the world differently. The compassion I have for myself now extends to others and that has made a lot of my relationships even better. It has made them more intimate. Even my relationships with complete strangers. And we all need more intimacy in our lives.
I also have an easier time drawing lines in the sand. When I see red flags in another person’s behavior, I just quietly walk away. I no longer have time for drama and bad behavior. That feels good. That feels right.
I’ve also embraced my inner five-year old during this alone time. Socks don’t match. Cool. Messy hair, I just don’t care. As a perfectionist and someone who was crazy hard driven my entire life, finding this happy go lucky kid inside of me has been so wonderful. I play a whole lot more. I mean really play. I paint with wild abandon and dance like no one’s watching… and usually no one is watching. I lay in the grass and stare at clouds if I want to. Grass stains come out. I make mistakes and say, oh well. This is true self-love people. Finding and loving and protecting that five-year old who still lives in all of us. I mean seriously, have you ever met a five-year old you didn’t love right away? (Even though you both can’t read, I am talking about you Emmie and Liv!)
One last side benefit, I never force things to happen anymore. I just let them happen. It doesn’t mean I’ve lost my drive. I haven’t. To tell the truth, I’m not sure why or how this benefit came about but it did. And it’s delightful.
So, there you have it. My lessons learned from not just living alone but truly BEING ALONE. And you know what, I can’t wait to see what happens next.
OX, Robbin
P. S. I stumbled on this little set of words in a book today. They made me smile. Love is a choice. And I choose love. I quit my job, sold my car and choose to run away with my own heart…
