I don’t want to change a thing about you.

I’m the last person you might want to ask for relationship advice. Divorced once. Betrayed more than once. Ouch. Sometimes by my own self. Double OUCH. I could go on and on.

BUT… wait, let me back up a minute and change my own thinking (we’re allowed to do that) to say this:

Perhaps I AM an excellent person to ask for relationship advice.

Perhaps my rocky road is the perfect training ground for getting things right. I mean if romance was a sport, I’m in pretty good shape from lots of practice, good and bad.

The last four to five years of my life have without a doubt been my best years. Which is amazing because most of my days on this planet have included way more love, excitement, fun, laughter, adventure and joy than I can even begin to explain.

I’m lucky that way.

But these last years have been downright magical. And I want to share my experience in case it might be helpful to someone reading this. I used to say this when I spoke about the power of human connections during my Brains on Fire years:

Relationships are messy and complicated, but they are stuff that makes life worth living.

Say that about 10 times until you really get it stuck in your heart.

Relationships are so worth the care and attention they demand. All our relationships, the ones with our families, our friends and partners are like the jewelry for our lives. They are the shine and the sparkle.

I must admit, I learned the hard way, that the relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship EVER. Think about it, you are the only person you can 100 percent rely on to be there until the very end. So, nurture that self-love like you mean it people. Self-love is -- in my humble nonprofessional-relationship-advice-giving opinion -- a big key to having great relationships in your life.

At the risk of oversharing, about five or six years ago, after a short but crazy brush up with a man who had some serious (I’d even say dangerous) issues, I decided to focus on me and go it alone for bit. Mostly I had to figure out how on earth I let such a scary human into my life.

Don’t judge, it happens to the best of us.

Those years of focusing on me were just what I needed. I took myself on fabulous dates and romantic adventures. I got super strong and healthy. I had a lot of therapy. I rested and gardened and relaxed. The pandemic worked in my favor. All that alone time was super helpful for my personal growth.

Honestly, I could have lived the rest of my days simply “being” on my own.

When I finally dipped my toes back into the dating world, I quickly decided, I needed more time alone. Go figure, being someone who had NOT NOT been in a romantic relationship for less than six months at a time in my adult life this took me by surprise. The time alone had worked. I craved more time with me.

Then slowly, I started seeing the most amazing man. I’d known him as a friend and business associate for years. We dated for a while and we now live in a wonderful 100-year-old house that we’re making our home. I love his family and he loves my family. And from the get-go, I knew this about him:

I don’t want t to change a thing about him. I simply love him exactly the way he is.

Cool, huh?

So that’s it. That -- in my humble opinion-- is the key to a great romantic relationship. Even if you’ve been married for 39 years, look at your partner and say those words – in your heart or even out loud.

I don’t want to change a single thing about you.

Say it until you mean it. Let it carry you through the easy fun times and the challenging times.

The other morning as I was getting dressed, I looked at this wonderful man I adore and said, “Could you please straighten up your side of the sink?” He simply looked down at it and said, “No one is coming to do a photo shoot of our bathroom counters today.” I burst out laughing. And again I was reminded that I would not change ANYTHING about him.  

It’s takes practice to not let the little, tiny things bother you, but man it makes for a good life and a really good relationship. I hope where ever you are in life; you give this idea a shot.

AND if you are on your own, try saying it to YOURSELF:

I don’t want to change a thing about you. Let it be your mantra.

That’s it. That is my relationship tip for the day. Make a game of it for just one week and see what happens. This little tip has helped me in all my relationships with my family and with my friends and myself too.

It’s like magic.

And know, I love you madly. And I would not want to change a thing about YOU. Happy happy Valentine’s Day. Let LOVE be the answer.