Being single at 61.
October 6, 2019
At dinner last night, a close friend was talking about a recent party. One I was not invited to.
Ouch.
She sweetly stated in an effort to explain, “Well, I think they just wanted it to be couples only.”
Ouch again. Does it make it easier to set the table?
Most of my life, for good or for bad, I’ve been a part of a couple. I was married for 18 years to the father of my children, someone I still adore. Then after that I had two very long term serious relationships. That both had expiration dates. I managed to stay single for only about six months after each of those relationships ended.
I suppose you could say that seems to be my pattern.
Those six months often felt like a lifetime, if I’m being 100% honest.
I don’t need a man, but I love being a part of couple more than I like flying solo. I think our lives are meant to be shared and witnessed and experienced with a special other. And I love to be in love. I love someone reaching out during the day to see how I am. I love the little ordinary stuff of relationships. The secret languages that evolve. Humans are wired to connect to each other deeply and intimately.
About six months ago, I found myself single again, after a short-term relationship that was just not right for me.
Now that I’m hitting my “six-month singleness pattern” timing, I’ve been doing a little dating and a lot of thinking.
What have I really learned this go around being single? And how will those learnings make me a better, kinder, happier person in the long run?
Here are my observations and lessons learned being single at a “certain age.”
1. People say they envy me being single. I hear it in so many forms. “Wow, I love it when my husband/wife/other is out of town.” Or just the wistful, “I love being alone.” Well, I honestly love being alone at times myself. But all the time? Nope, I do not love it. There are times when I get downright mad at aloneness actually. But I do know this, I would rather be alone than in a relationship that’s not serving me or the other person well. There are things that are much worse than being alone. And I think that learning has made me very careful of who I let come into and actually stay in my life. It’s okay to be picky. Even at 61.
2. Online dating is sort of weird and fun all at the same time. Yes. I have an online profile on a couple of sites. And I’ve met some very nice people that I would never have met any other way. But honestly the process of looking at and reading profiles is a wee bit sad. For instance, I know first-hand that It truly sucks to be lied to by someone you love. But geez, an online profile stating you “value TRUTH AND HONESTY first and foremost” is just carrying your woeful baggage front and center. It’s not appealing. And there are so many profiles that say that EXACT thing. After meeting a few people who were OBVIOUSLY NOT OVER THEIR EX, I’ve learned that you must take time to process your last relationship and any grief that’s lingering. I’m guilty of not taking that time in the past. Which has me wondering, how much is enough time? How can you REALLY know when you’re ready to be in a relationship again? Here’s what I have decerned. You know it’s been enough time when you don’t feel a need a share your past relationship story/sad story any more. At all. For some people that’s days, for some people years.
Well, duh.
Six months was not enough for me in the past and I’m not sure it’s enough processing time this go around either. I met someone recently, only talked to him on the phone actualy, and this smart handsome man spent 25 painful minutes telling me of his EX wife’s affair after 23 years of marriage. Pain is real. I get that. So, I just let him carry on. Because I felt so freaking sorry for him. So, here’s my takeaway from that experience. Find the will to take whatever time, six months or six years, to get over the stuff of your past relationship. I mean really get over it to the point where your breakup/loss story actually bores you. That’s something I’m really trying to do myself and seeing others who don’t take that time up close and personal has been helpful and healing. It’s not fair to another person to enter a relationship when you are not over the previous one.
3. I’m excited about my life and what lies in front of me. I believe when you start to feel that in earnest, magic happens. I’ve read this statement often, FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF BEFORE YOU GET IN A RELATIONSHIP. I get that. I do. You must never love someone else more than you love… well, YOU. Loving yourself is a very good thing. But I think the magic lies somewhere else. You have to keep a sense of excitement in your life whether alone or with someone by your side. That’s where happiness really lives. Happiness lies in the simple knowledge that each moment you are breathing is full of wonder and beauty and awe. Taking the time to figure that out has been really good for me. Traveling solo, going places on my own has been something I will never, ever regret.
4. I heard these two questions from someone recently and it made my heart swell. What if you were 100% certain that the love of your life was just around the corner? What would you be doing with your time? Being single right now, I love that thought. The past has shown me that there is an abundance of love (and amazing men) in this world. There really is someone for everyone. Look around. That evidence is right in front of us all. It’s cool how this world of ours works. So, I say go for it. Give your number to a stranger in the grocery store if you want to. Smile at everyone you see. Experiment with online dating. Go surfing. Go to meet ups. Get up every morning and smile knowing that your life could change for the better with just one little bitty decision. I had a reminder of that just last night. I had a party many years ago and I invited a lot of couple and single friends I knew. Last night at dinner two of my friends that met for the very first time at that very party years ago were sitting in front of me, laughing and still flirting with each ohter after many years of marriage. What if just one of them had decided not to come out that night? A marriage, a beautiful one, would never have happened. These days, I’m saying yes more often. And that feels right. Life is a great adventure. And your attitude is all that matters. I choose to have faith in abundance and possibility.
Thanks for listening. If you have anything you want to share, I’m listening.
I’m listening a lot these days.
